May 19th, 2026
Today I started my day off in shame.
I was supposed to run at 5am, but I woke up at 9.
I was supposed to run at 1pm, but worked past it.
So I do not deserve to eat because otherwise I will have to wait to digest which will make me run even later.
But I am hungry. But I should run. But I did not.
And now the sun is setting,
and I still have not left the house.
And then my shame turned into anxiety.
What is going on? What went wrong?
Was it the bridges I have burnt?
Nah I do not think so.
Maybe the life I am about to enter horrifies me?
Nah not true.
And then my anxiety turned into terror.
I wanted to run at night, in the cover of darkness, as if I was ashamed of the person I have become.
To be truthful, I did not want to run at all, and then the following ensued:
Am I failing to be disciplined again?
Why am I posting about this online, like is it out of a desire to be seen?
Am I doing the right thing?
Have I really changed for the better?
But then I remembered I read somewhere that, "There is nothing walking outside cannot solve."
And so today I decided to go on a walk.
No podcast just this playlist:
And I began to write out my thoughts, separating myself from my body. I began defining my emotions, recollecting what was actually happening, enjoying the simple things like the beautiful sky.
I felt like that one scene from Black Panther in the ancestral plane, that is how beautiful the sky was.
The smells, the sounds, the feels. I would be lying to you if I said I was at peace, but I did feel better. I could hear my thoughts more clearly.
And then my terror turned into forgiveness.
When life brought terror and suffering,
It was the power of the mind, the creativity of the individual, the indomitable human spirit that we all possess that allowed me to see that the dream is still worth fighting for.
~ ethangwang