ethangwang.

Today I started my day off in shame.

I was supposed to run at 5am, but I woke up at 9.
I was supposed to run at 1pm, but worked past it.
So I do not deserve to eat because otherwise I will have to wait to digest which will make me run even later.
But I am hungry. But I should run. But I did not.
And now the sun is setting,
and I still have not left the house.

And then my shame turned into anxiety.

What is going on? What went wrong?
Was it the bridges I have burnt?
Nah I do not think so.
Maybe the life I am about to enter horrifies me?
Nah not true.

And then my anxiety turned into terror.

I wanted to run at night, in the cover of darkness, as if I was ashamed of the person I have become.

To be truthful, I did not want to run at all, and then the following ensued:
Am I failing to be disciplined again?
Why am I posting about this online, like is it out of a desire to be seen?
Am I doing the right thing?
Have I really changed for the better?

But then I remembered I read somewhere that, "There is nothing walking outside cannot solve."

And so today I decided to go on a walk.

No podcast just this playlist:

And I began to write out my thoughts, separating myself from my body. I began defining my emotions, recollecting what was actually happening, enjoying the simple things like the beautiful sky.

I felt like that one scene from Black Panther in the ancestral plane, that is how beautiful the sky was.

The smells, the sounds, the feels. I would be lying to you if I said I was at peace, but I did feel better. I could hear my thoughts more clearly.

And then my terror turned into forgiveness.

~ ethangwang